Harry Potter Survivor: Afganistan
by sophiethedevil
Summary: The Harry Potter cast, as well as some other charaters have been sent to Afganistan to play Survivor! Who knows what will happen! WARNING: Really stupid and obseneness! PS: They all go crazy!
1. Default Chapter

Harry Potter Survior: Afganistan  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Chapter 1: A Strange Invitation  
  
It was nearing the end of summer. And Harry, Hermione and Ron were sitting in the kitchen of the burrow eationg their breakfast, when 3 vultures swooped inside.  
  
"AGHHHHHH!" Screamed Harry...like a girl.  
  
"What's this?" Hermione asked the thin air.  
  
They opened their letters; this is what Harry's read:  
  
Dear Mr H.J.Potter,  
  
We are pleased to inform you, that you have been selected, to star in Survivor: Afganistan.  
  
Your friends and other Hogwarts students have been selected also. Four people from each house have been taken, except Gryffindor gets si, and Slytherin get fivex because Hufflepuff won't be attending due to their lack of being interesting. The 15 that have been selected are: From Gryffindor- Harry Potter Hermione Granger Ron Weasly Neville Longbottom Seamus Finnigan and Fleur Delacour (yes we realise she doesn't even attend Hogwarts, but we put her in because of Gryffindor's lack of hot chicks!) From Slytherin- Draco Malfoy Blaise Zambini Pansy Parkison Arabella Mystylla, who is an OC I put in Slytherin cause there were too many ugly girls. Hannibal-Oh by the way, we forgot to mention that each tribe got a surprise member!  
  
From Ravenclaw- Cho Chang Cedric Diggory-who has been resurected and put in Ravenclaw, just to piss off Harry. Roger Davies-We felt we needed more pretty boys, just to stir up the other guys! Osama Bin Laden-Your celebrity guest!  
  
Yours truly,  
  
Sophie the devil. (Your host!)  
  
They re-read the letters a few times and then stared at each other in amazement.  
  
"COOL!" Yelled Ron, "I would love $1,000,000!"  
  
"How did you know that the prize was 1 million dollars?" Asked Hermione.  
  
"Simple. We have our own version of wizard survivor, and the prize is 1 million dollars!" Ron said gleefully.  
  
"Well, I just don't know Harry? What will the Dursleys say about all this?" Hermione seemed worried.  
  
Harry called the Dursleys on a random phone that appeared out of nowhere. "So? Can I go?" Asked Harry, anxiously.  
  
"Whatever!" Roared Vernon.  
  
"What are you so worried about Hermione? I mean all that's happening is that we are being invited to play a deadly game in the hot sun, on the hot beaches of Afganistan, with Al-Qaeda and Hannibal...not to mention Osama! And we have been invited by sophie the devil, the insane pychotic maniac, who is currently holding us captive at her lair.:" Harry stopped.  
  
"Wait a minute, if we were at her lair, the Abandoned Weed Factory a moment ago, then why are we here, sitting in your kitchen?" Hermione asked Ron.  
  
"I have a really BAD feeling about this!" Ron added.  
  
"It could be dangerous!"  
  
"We could die!"  
  
"We could be eaten by Hannibal!"  
  
"Or murdered by Osama or Al-Qaeda!"  
  
"We could starve!"  
  
"Or get baked by the sun..." "Malfoy might kill us!"  
  
"We could all resort to cannibalism!"  
  
"This whole thing could be a trap!"  
  
"Sophie the devil, might kill us!"  
  
"Or make me gay...AGAIN!"  
  
"We could be eaten by the vultures!"  
  
"Or eaten by natives!"  
  
"WE could drown..."  
  
"Die..."  
  
"Or just be burnt at the stake!"  
  
"This must be the worst thing ever!"  
  
"So many things could go wrong!"  
  
"It's a 99.9 chance we will die!"  
  
"Let's do it!"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Sophie: My first Chapter done! I hope you liked it! I mean! If you don't like it! I'll kill you!!!  
  
Hermione: I have a really bad feeling about this!  
  
Harry: Yeah! What about Hannibal?  
  
Ron: WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!!!????  
  
Sophie: I can't tell you that...all I am going to say is mustard...  
  
Ron: What kind of hint is that!  
  
Sophie: MUSTARD! Don't rub it all over you!  
  
Harry: WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?!  
  
Sophie: I dunno! You might just feel like doing that!  
  
Hermione: Please god help us! 


	2. Flight for Afganistan

Sophie the devil: *say nothing* WHAT?! I couldn't think of anything to say!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything for that matter!  
  
Sophie the devil: screw you disclaimer!  
  
Disclaimer: f*** u  
  
Sophie the devil: *kills disclaimer and then resurrects he...she...shim* so yeah screw yall!  
  
Disclaimer: I think you need your medication!  
  
Sophie the devil: I think YOU should eat Hermione!  
  
Disclaimer: Sophie the devil! There are children here! Besides, I am way, way, WAY ahead of you!  
  
Sophie the devil: What's THAT supposed to mean!  
  
Disclaimer: Lets just say three words: brooms closet, broom STICKS and broom polish!!!  
  
Sophie the devil: I DON'T WANNA KNOW! I DON'T WANNA KNOW!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! That is wrong on SO MANY LEVELS!  
  
Disclaimer: WHAT?! All I meant was, we were cleaning broomsticks in the broom closet!  
  
Sophie the devil: right  
  
Disclaimer: Don't you think you ought to start the story now?  
  
Sophie the devil: HEY! I start the story when I want OK!  
  
Disclaimer: *mutters under breath* bitch!  
  
Sophie the devil: I heard that!  
  
Disclaimer: HELP!  
  
Sophie the devil: *tortures disclaimer as she laughs insanely*  
  
Sophie the devil (the new disclaimer) : I OWN SURVIVOR AND HARRY POTTER!!! And I am NOT taking that back! What are you going to do? Call the police losers!?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 2: Flight to Afganistan  
  
Harry and all of the others met up at the airport to head off for Afghanistan. Some, like Neville, were looking as though there were mad people on the flight. Others, like Draco, looked as they always did...as if they had a stick up their ass!  
  
'Flight 1572839353724568 for Afghanistan will be leaving in 2 minutes...final call for flight 1572839353724568' They got inside and ran to the front desk, just as this was being said.  
  
Once they had all gotten on to the plane they immediately started talking supplies.  
  
"Well it said in the letter not to bring more then 2 items per person so lets start with who's bringing what," Hermione jumped in, instantly acting the leader.  
  
"I am bringing, my fire bolt and my wan..." Harry began.  
  
"No magic allowed, remember!" Once again said by Hermione.  
  
"NO MAGIC!" Everyone except Hermione screamed in unison.  
  
"Yes, if we want to do this properly then we can't cheat," Said Hermione defiantly.  
  
"Well then, I'd bring my um...totally UNMAGICAL broom and my sneak-o-scope,' Harry finished.  
  
"But what about your medication, Harry?" Ron asked nervously.  
  
"Oh, stuff it!" Harry, who couldn't care less, was stroking his broom affectionately.  
  
"Well, I'll bring, my shoes, and er...I don't own anything!" Ron burst into tears.  
  
"I am going to bring Hogwarts a history and sun screen," Hermione said, completely ignoring the fact Ron was having a nervous breakdown.  
  
"I'll bring some...alcohol! And some cigarettes!" Said by who else, but Seamus.  
  
"I think I'll bring a first aid kit, and my anti-depressants," Neville said miserably.  
  
"I vill bring: manicular kit and botox," Fleur said flirtatiously.  
  
They all sat some arguing, some discussing, or just cussing, on what they are taking and why they are taking it.  
  
"Your all retards!" Said the cold voice of Draco Malfoy.  
  
"What are you taking Malfoy? A...a...a retard machine!" Said Harry. Nobody laughed not even Harry.  
  
"Actually, I am taking my hair-care set and a machete," Malfoy suddenly turned muscly and his hair fell down.  
  
"OH MY GOD HE'S BEAUTIFUL!" Exclaimed Seamus.  
  
"Thank you, Seamus, if only I could say the same for you," Malfoy sneered, "I have become an alpha-male!"  
  
Nobody understood, except Hermione. "I get it! In Survivor there is always one handsome and muscular alpha-male! Malfoy must be it!"  
  
"CRAP! I am ugly!!!" Harry was getting psycho.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
This isn't the end, but I am just getting really spaced out now. I drank heaps of coffee and now I am starting to write really screwed-up, random things...SO BARE WITH ME ASS-HORSE!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
They were almost there. There was no need to separate into their teams, as they were already in them.  
  
"Seamus...exactly how much booze did you bring?" Asked Ron exuberantly.  
  
"Enough to last us the entire Survivor game, except, we can't give anyone but me, you, Harry, Neville and maybe Malfoy. I tried to bring drugs, but they tried to arrest me at the airport! Talk about tight-asses!" Seamus finished.  
  
"What?! You mean no drugs!" Harry looked scandalised.  
  
"Well, there's always my anti-depressants!" Neville said cheerfully.  
  
"Do they make you hallucinate?" Asked Harry hopefully.  
  
"If you take them with alcohol and sea-water" Neville looked happy. "And speaking of that, there is: panadol, pain killers, aspirin, skin pills, diet pills, diarrhoea pills, flu tablets and some sleeping pills in the first aid kit. I know it's not much, but we can always mix them to make something!"  
  
"We're here!" Hermione said cheerfully.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Now it really is the end!...............or is it?! No it is the end.  
  
REALLY!  
  
Sophie the devil: Mixing pills eh!  
  
Ron: I want to try aspirin and diet pills!  
  
Sophie the devil: I can speak Italian! Want to here it?  
  
Ron: Hell no.  
  
Sophie the devil: Ok! Questo ´é Ron, lui é brutto e gay, ho I cappelli, rosso e gli occhi blu. Ron é stupido e un cavallo ass. Lui affaré funghi droga.  
  
Disclaimer: I am back! *strangles Sophie the devil from behind*  
  
Sophie the devil: DIE DISCLAIMER!!! *eats disclaimer* If you can tell me what I said in Italian, in a review, then I will put you in my next chapter! Ciao. 


	3. Welcome to ParadiseI mean Hell!

Sophie the devil: And now for the long-awaited chapter: I have decided to change the writing style so it is written differently. I was just so sick of the other way I normally write! Another important thing is, this is sort of the sequel to the unfinished 'Gay Adventure' story. It isn't exactly, but there is some material that relates to my first.  
^..^  
/\/\/\/\---------- (that's my symbol = sophiethedevil)  
  
Nobody got what I said in Italian! Some were close, but the answer was:  
  
This is Ron, he is ugly and gay, he has red hair and blue eyes. Ron is stupid and a horse-arse! He deals Mushroom drugs. (magic mushrooms) Aren't I good at Italian!?!  
  
Hint: Say everything Osama says out loud and say each syllable out as you say it! (he won't always be saying what it is translated into!)  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 3: The Teams  
  
They were all sitting patiently at tribal council, awaiting Sophie the devil's arrival. Some, like Harry, Hermione and Ron, were talking about the events of their past week, the others were fidgeting and chatting amongst themselves; with the exception of Hannibal, who was discreetly nibbling Ron's ear.  
  
Sophie the devil: Welcome all to Survivor Afghanistan! I hope you enjoyed your flight! *says warmly, but then whispers* for it shall be your last! Now, I shall sought your tribes and tell you a bit more about the game. Each tribe has a different landscape, each with there upsides and downsides. Here with me is a bowl full of stones. One is red, one is blue and one is yellow. You will select one representative from each tribe to pick a stone. The team that gets blue, is on the beach. Lovely, safe environment, with lots of greenery, but unfortunately has no shelter what- so-ever, and you can't build one because it is against the law to cut down trees! The team that gets red, is in the mountains, not alot of food, but heaps of shelter. And the team that gets the unlucky yellow stone, is in the desert, no food, shelter or safety. I'll give you 5 minutes to pick your representatives.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~* 5 minutes later *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Sophie the devil: Does everyone have their representatives?  
  
All: Yes.  
  
Sophie the devil: KO then, first up...Ravenclaw's representative!  
  
Cedric Diggery: *reaches in and picks...the blue stone!*  
  
All: *polite round of appause*  
  
Osama: (who is in Ravenclaw) *Starts swearing in Arabic* EYE ZIS WAN TA FA'K EEN KEY ILLS DOSE MATH ARE THA FA KERS!  
  
Sophie the devil: Oh! I almost forgot! Hear is a special Arabic translator, which I give to Cedric, so you know what Osama is saying.  
  
Cedric: Cool! He seems to be saying something about 'kill them mo... Oh my!  
  
Hermione: What's wrong?  
  
Cedric: He is saying some of the most revolting swearword ever!  
  
All: *GASP!* (except for Sophie the devil who is now trying to compete with Osama in a swearing competition  
  
Cedric: Now he's saying; 'I wanted the mountains! You little....' I swear that guy can swear!  
  
Sophie the devil: Now the next representative!...Slytherin!  
  
Hannibal: *steps up, picks the stone and eats it*.  
  
Sophie the devil: Hannibal, what was that stone you pulled?  
  
Hannibal: *is drooling*  
  
Sophie the devil: OK! So, this is what we're going to do! Ron, as your the representative from Gryffindor, you can come up and pick. Do you want the yellow stone, or the red stone?  
  
Ron: Before, when you were explaining the rules, I wasn't listening to a word you were saying!  
  
Sophie the devil: Well, you just going to have to pick! Yellow, or red?  
  
Ron: Duhhhh....yellow.  
  
All of Gryfindor team: *groans and starts to swear and yell at Ron*.  
  
Sophie the devil: That means Gryffindor gets the desert, and Slytherin gets the mountains! Now, as a policy of the company, we have to give you a well, full of water and some sort of source of food. So I decided that you all get...a free pet monkey!  
  
Harry: WHAT GOOD DOES THAT DO?! *Harry said, as he forgot to take his anger management classes*  
  
Sophie the devil: All sorts of things! *looking offended* It is trainable, *false cough* and when you are desperate...you can eat it! Thoughitishighlypoisonous *said in a very fast whisper*  
  
Hermione: Hang on! What do you mean the beach?! Afganistan isn't even on the coast!  
  
Sophie the devil: It isn't?  
  
Hermione: *is standing there shocked* NO! Pakistan is blocking Afganhistan from the coast!  
  
Sophie the devil: Then, by the power of Lucifer! DESTROY PAKISTAN! (no offence to Pakistanis! I am not racist! But I forgot that Pakistan was blocking the coast from Afghanistan, so I had to think of a way to alter that!...Hey! It's not my fault I don't pay attention in Geography!)  
  
Ron: Did you just destroy...a country?! *looks pale*  
  
All: *ignores Ron*  
  
Sophie the devil: Now that that's settled...LET SURVIVOR BEGIN!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Day 1.  
  
(Gryffindor tribe)  
  
Hermione: So troopers! We better set up camp! *says with a very forced gaiety*  
  
All (except Hermione) : *groan*  
  
Fleur: Well, I am not doing any work! Bring me a fan and fan me! *while doing nails*  
  
Hermione: With that attitude you'll be voted out!  
  
Fleur: You wouldn't wote me out? Would you Harry? *gives him her sexiest smile*  
  
Harry: No...my...love *said in a robotic trance*  
  
Hermione: *glares at Harry*  
  
Ron: Has anyone seen my shoe? * Is in despair*  
  
All: *completly ignores Ron*  
  
Seamus: Lets start a fire! *says enthusiastically*  
  
Hermione: *beams at Seamus* Well I'm glad someone is showing enthusiasm *glares at Harry and others*  
  
Seamus: Yep! The quicker we start a fire, the quicker we can dry some of this plant I found!  
  
Hermione: *on the verge of tears* I thought you would understand Seamus!  
  
All: *couldn't give a f--- how Hermione was feeling*  
  
Neville: There aren't any sticks of matches to rub. But I heard somewhere that magnifying glasses work.  
  
Seamus: But where can we get a magnifying glass?  
  
All: *looks at Harry and grins evily*  
  
Harry: no...NO! STAY BACK!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
At the Slytherin camp  
  
Hannibal: *is chewing something that looks horribly like flesh*  
  
Blaise: Well, we better introduce our selves to Hannibal and Arabella. *said surprisingly nicely*  
  
All: mmmm...  
  
Blaise: Well I am Blaise *points to himself* That is Pansy *points to Pansy* that is Draco *points to Draco* That is Hannibal *points to Hannibal* And that is Arabella *you know who he points to!*  
  
Arabella, who this whole time has been wearing a hood looks up at the others and removes her hood, to reveal; long, raven hair in loose ringlets, wearing a soft smile, pale skin, rosy cheeks, blood-red lips, turquoise eye- shadow, thick, black eyeliner and a heart-shaped face. Arabella was wearing; a long silky, black trenchcoat, decorated with rubies and garnets. A golden chain around her neck with a diamond glistening from it and a silky, black, light-weight dress underneath.  
  
Draco: *instantly starts to flirt with Arabella*  
  
Arabella: I fortell a grave danger inside you! *moves hands over crystal ball*  
  
Pansy: Are you pychic or something?  
  
Arabella: Yes...I have...THE THIRD EYE!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(Ravenclaw tribe)  
  
Cho: *Immediatly starts to kiss Cedric*  
  
Cedric: Oh Cho!  
  
Roger: *Is jealous*  
  
Osama: fa uuc alla uus moe tho f'k ares!  
  
Cedric: He is saying; screw yous dogs! I is gonna surf the waves!  
  
Cho: right!  
  
Roger: Hey guys tree mail! I'll read it to you:  
  
Come to the coast, for a challenge that's a bother,  
  
You basically stand there and wrestle at each other,  
  
The big against the small,  
  
The fat against the tall,  
  
So it's a challenge that's unfair right,  
  
So deal with it! Or you'll go home tonight!  
  
Cedric: They've really lost their gusto, haven't they?  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*`*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
(Immunity/ reward challenge)  
  
Sophie the devil: So you've lasted 2 hours...how has it been, Harry?  
  
Harry: Nothing has really happened!  
  
Sophie the devil: WOW! That's really amazing! Well lets get to it! What you basically do is pull a number out of this here hat, the number you pick, is your number. If anyone else has that number, then that's who you wrestle! Understand?  
  
All: no.  
  
Sophie the devil: *Ignores them*...well, pull out your numbers!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~* A few moments later *~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Sophie the devil: The first match is between...Neville and Pansy! But before we begin...NO KILLING! *looks at Osama and Hannibal and for some unresolved reason, Fleur*.  
  
Fleur: *is looking innocent*  
  
Sophie the devil: Let the challenge...BEGIN!  
  
Pansy punches Neville before the challenge even begun, Neville is out cold.  
  
Sophie the devil: PANSY IS THE WINNER! Next one, Fleur vs Cho!  
  
Seamus: YEAH! Chick wrestling!  
  
Fleur bites, scratches and bitch slaps Cho, until Cho dies.  
  
Sophie the devil: *resurects Cho* Fleur is the winner! *said while giving Fleur a; what-did-I-just-tell-you-about-killing? look.*  
  
The matches went on for a long time. Until Fleur, Osama, Hannibal and Hermione (for some weird reason, because Hermione hadn't versed anyone!) were the finalists.  
  
Sophie the devil: This first final match...Is FLEUR VS HANNIBAL!  
  
Fleur: *runs away*  
  
Sophie the devil: I declare Hannibal...the winner! Next...OSAMA VS HERMIONE!  
  
Hermione: Violence is wrong! I refuse to hurt him! What has he ever done to me?! I bet Osama feels the sae way!  
  
Osama: stoo pide bit o cha! Eyes keele he er! *Said while loading a bazooka and pointing it at Hermione.  
  
Sophie the devil: How about this, all you have to say is; 'I want to hurt you Osama'. And Gryffindor will win and gain immuntiy!  
  
Draco: THAT IS SO UNFAIR AND STUPID!  
  
Sophie the devil: *strangles Draco*  
  
Hermione: I will not say it! I don't believe in violence! Let us lose! Gryffindor will forgive me!  
  
Sophie the devil: Fine then! I declare Slytherin the winner, Ravenclaw in second...and Gryffindor last meaning that Gryffindor is going to tribal council...See you tonight!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(Tribal Council)  
  
Sophie the devil: Hermione, because you gave up the challenge, do you feel threatened?  
  
Hermione: Of course not! I know that my tribe will stand by me no matter what!  
  
Sophie the devil: What do you think of this?...Neville?  
  
Neville: *jumps in fright* Well...er...no...er...er....I...now n...no offence...Her...Hermione, but I was quite...um...an...an...annoyed! *stutters uncontrollably*  
  
Sophie the devil: Whatever! So you've been out here a day, how has it been? Harry?  
  
Harry: What? *Is picking nose*  
  
Sophie the devil: I give up! Go vote!  
  
10 minutes later...  
  
Sophie the devil: I'll go tally the votes.  
  
Ron: I wonder who it is?  
  
Seamus: Probably you. *snide comment*  
  
Ron: Or Hermione.  
  
Harry: All I know is, there are two heads on the chopping block tonight!  
  
Sophie the devil: Ok, first vote is Hermione!  
  
Hermione: *glare at Ron*  
  
Sophie the devil: Second vote...for Ron! One vote Hermione, one vote Ron.  
  
Ron: *is looking shocked*  
  
Sophie the devil: Third vote...Harry! Fourth vote...Neville!One vote to everyone, except Seamus and Fleur! Fifth vote...Hermione!  
  
All: *GASP*  
  
Sophie the devil: The first person voted out of Survivor Afganistan is...HERMIONE!  
  
Hermione: *is crying and looking shocked and angry*  
  
Sophie the devil: Hermione...time for your goodbye speech *acknowledges for Hermione to stand on stage thingy*  
  
Hermione: I HATE YOU ALL! YOU BASTARDS!  
  
Sophie the devil: That was very touching...Hermione, the tribe has spoken! *puts out torch*. But the game wouldn't be fun if I didn't show you the tapes of what they said!...  
  
Harry: eh oh!  
  
Harry's tape: Hermione, your a tightass bum and I don't like you! My vote is for you...Hermione!  
  
Ron's Tape: Harry, you need anger management you fag! My votes for Harry!  
  
Seamus's tape: How dare you critisise my drugginess, BITCH!  
  
Hermione: Wait a minute! We don't know who Seamus voted for! He wrote down 'bitch' on a piece of paper!  
  
Sophie the devil: Yeah, I figured that meant you!  
  
Hermione's tape: I thought you'd support me Neville! My vote is for you!  
  
Fleur's tape: No, Ron...I von't go out vis oo! My vote eez for Ronald!  
  
Neville's tape: * gives camera the finger* Stuff you Hermione!  
  
Sophie the devil: Wasn't that interesting?!  
  
All: *are glaring at each other* 


End file.
